Off Home Again

Bag is packed, chin is scraped, teeth are curly and hair is white. I'm off to the airport again. See you in blighty, one and all, and if I don't then you missed out on a pint.
I might post from Helsinki with any musings I think of along the way. This is the same route that caused a temporary olfactory deluge last time. I hope not again...

How much dinner revisited

Same hotel, same restaurant, different disaster.

This time I ordered Spaghetti pesto with shrimp, with corn soup to start.

Five minutes later she came back with a sheepish expression - "Solly sir no have corn soup". I looked in vain at the menu, for any other soups, broths or consommes to take the place of my eagerly anticipated appetiser, eventually deciding just to have a main course. Sensible, given that I still feel dodgy after eating half the hotel larder last night.

Five minutes later she was back, even more sheepish (Muttonish? No, means something else).

"Solly sir, no have Pesto" - well that put a cap on it. No starter and no main course. I ordered a bag of nuts and six heinekens and sod 'em all.

Actually I had hot & spicy noodles with chicken and two beers. I deserve the beers, having saved countless lives today. We spent the afternoon in the pool wearing overalls, life jackets and neoprene shoes. Not a good look.

Last day tomorrow, then one day in the office and I'm off home.

Here's the dullest pic I've ever taken, but it seems apt.

See you all soon.

How much dinner?

Well I went to the restaurant here in the hotel, and having seen Japanese stir-fried noodles on the first page of the menu and ordered it, I proceeded to find steamed rice with chicken and cashews on page 5. So I changed my order, not forgetting to remind the chef that I wanted a large meal having been active all day on short rations, then been to the gym.

Both meals turned up.

Large.

I naturally accepted this with good grace and woofed the lot of it.

I swear you could use my stomach as a snare drum right now. But please don't.

Be good.

Fighting Fire With... Extinguishers

Laemtong Hotel, Chon Buri, 2 hours South East of Bangkok. I'm in a serviced apartment for a couple of nights while I attend a course on Safety, Fire Fighting and Helicopter Emergency Procedures. Bit of a mouthful that.

Today we got to don masks and find our way through pitch-black smoke-filled containers, with nothing but our wits to guide us. We also used all the different extinguishers on all the different kinds of fires. Very macho, and insufferably dull.

On getting to the apartments I discovered there's a gym and pool, and the gym has an exercise bike that actually works. Hurrah! Half an hour later, and suitably shaved and showered, I'm off for dinner.

Tomorrow it's dunking in the pool (brr, must be 25 degrees in there) for rescue techniques, also first aid. Wednesday we get to be "Crashed" in a mock helicopter into the pool, and inverted. Then we have to find our way to the surface without drowning, showing signs of panic, or otherwise embarrassing ourselves. After that we get our stifkit and are free to do as much offshore work as we want.

Home on Friday, can't wait.

Milloinaires Club

Well it makes me worry for the naiive and usually older folk who are the target audience of this email, but here it seems I'm even richer than I thought....

************************

WILL EXECUTION
I wish to intimate you with a request that would be of immense benefit to both of us. Being an executor of WILL, it is possible that we may be tempted to make fortune out of our client situations, when we cannot help it, or left with no better option.The issue I am presenting to you isabout my client who WILLS a fortune to his next-of-kin. It was most unfortunate that he and his next-of-kin died on the same day in the Shiraz plane crash of Tuesday 10 February 2004.I am now faced with confusion of who to pass the fortune to.
According to the English law, the fortune is supposed to be bequeathed to the government.However, I don't belong to that school of thought which proposes that the fortune of unlucky people be given to the government.My purpose of contacting you is to seek your assistance to act as the benefactor of the WILL, and lay claim to the legacy (12.4million pounds sterling),which this my unfortunate client bequeathed to his next-of-kin.For now, It is only known to me, as my client has great confident in me.Everything will be left between you and I. The share would be 40% for you and 60% for me.
All I have to do is to amend the WILL stating you as the beneficiary to the 12.4million pounds sterling. As I am yet to get your consent on this issue, I prefer not to divulge my full identity so as not to risk being debarred. The English Bar considers it a breach of the oath of the English Bar Council.I need not emphasizeto you that the sensitivity of this issue need not be toyed with by neglecting its confidentiality. Due to the risk involve and also the activities of fraudsters now rampant on the internet, and until I am sure of your consent, full cooperation and genuine willingness to assist me forour mutual benefit. I would prefer that we maintain correspondence by email. At this point I want to assure you that your true consent, full cooperation and confidentiality are all that are required for us to take full advantage of this great opportunity. This is an opportunity that people rarely have.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours truly,Barr.phil haywood

*******************

With my last blog in mind I'm not in a great mood today so here goes a pointless speech:

If by some miracle the perpetrator of this email ever reads this, please email me on russell.hindley@virgin.net and answer the following questions:

• How do you sleep at night with this on your conscience?


• Would your mother approve of how you earn a living?


• Do you have no concept of a work ethic? Can't you just get a job?


• Would you happily spend whatever you gain from this con, knowing it was obtained by deceit?

I know the answers to these questions will be adolescent babble at best, but I'd love to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Right, now I'm off to the gym to burn off some anger. Oh, and the richness chart looks like this:

Boom

7.40am Sunday - HUGE bang somewhere in the city this morning. I shudder to think what might have happened. Having felt the shockwave from here, it made me think what it must be like to be near. Instant death fot those in the epicentre obviously, but on the periphery, they probably found themselves waking up maimed without even hearing the bang. Most of us are lucky enough never to actually hear a bomb going off, but (asssuming I just did) it's the shortness of the blast that surprises me. Hollywood movies have given us the impression that a blast is a prolonged noise, a thing of beauty to be lavishly viewed from six diferent angles over a period of seconds, but this was a sharp retort over in microseconds and, I imagine, not at all photogenic. I wonder which image was in the heads of the bomb-makers, and if Hollywood has a case to answer.

How can people do that remotely? Do they stay close enough to listen? Don't their stomachs turn over when it goes off? Don't they instantly feel remorse and rush to confess in an attempt to clear the conscience? If not, how monstrous are they? My faith in humanity is wobbling.

I hope I'm wrong and it wasn't a bomb.

Be good.

Well hello, it has took a while to get these photos onto my computer due to electrical problems at the house but as I was not so impressed by the photos of a nice sunny Thailand and a bare bodied Ferret, I thought I would go out and take some of my own photos and let you all in to what we have been donned with over the last 2 weeks here in the UK, not that I am complaining as the days have been lovely and crisp but as we are half a world apart I thought I would put things into perspective












Yes this is frost, it looks like snow but believe me this is one nights work

Less than a week to go until your return and I would definately bring some or even make sure Lyn has some thick woollies put out for you. Glad we are off to a warmer place (where my fingers and toes may get the chance to warm up) for the next 18 days...hurrah!

Hope you are ok and looking forward to your Christmas return home. Can't wait until next weekend, thats when I can officially start thinking about slowing down and getting into the Christmas spirit as I will only have one more working day to go. Yippee

Scribbles

Text-only blogging today sorry, I'm in work and have no way to get my many stimulating and interesting photographs from phone to PC.

While we're on phones, mine holds 8gb of music, has one of the best music players on the market, supports a bluetooth stereo headset and can make and receive calls while playing music. What do I need an iPod Nano for? I nearly bought one because they're so pretty.

While we're on music, this month I've fallen in love with the Kings of Leon, Elbow and The Acorn so anyone who's reading would be well advised to check those artistes out. And no, I'm not getting paid to advertise them.

While we're on advertising, I'm getting tired of TV on trains. Every carriage of the BTS Skytrain has two installed, and they play adverts all day at high volume. People gaze up at the blasted things like captive brainwash victims. In order to blank this out I wear the afore-mentioned headset, but I have to put my music up so loud I'm in danger of proving wifey's warnings about hearing loss. I also read on the train if I'm lucky enough to get a seat. Yes I can read and listen to music at the same time. I can also hear the announcement of my station ("Nanaaaa...") on the train PA over all of this. It takes practice but is ultimately rewarding.

While we're on Wifey she's had a cold for a couple of days so please all wish her a speedy recovery. It even kept her from University for a day so it must have been a bad one. Fortunately I forget having colds in a matter of weeks, so can't remember that last time I had one. This forgetfulness is probably the reason I frequently claim never to catch colds, which is patently untrue. Mind you, I get a lot less than the missus.

While we're on forgetfulness, I was waiting for a motorcycle taxi the other day and complained to a colleague that I can never make the rider understand me when I want to go to the underground rail station, or "MRT". He informed me that the correct words were "lot fai tai din", which means motorised train underground. I duly blurted this to the taxi guy, he understood immediately and off we went. Pleased with this new trick, I resolved to memorise it for the next day. Forgot it instantly. I had to ask the colleague again the next day. Try memorising four random syllables - it's nearly impossible. However with the aid of some strange imagery which I won't go into, that phrase is now lodged in my head, as is "lot fai fah" for the BTS Skytrain.

Just had to break off blogging for a few minutes to order pizza - weekend working has its benefits. I am also actually working I promise, but the software I'm using takes an age to do anything so there are frequent periods of waiting. I'd rather blog than watch an egg timer. There's a phrase you don't hear very often.

Now where was I? Ah yes, Bangkok. We all trooped down to the Muay Thai the other night (that's Thai boxing to you) to get some local culture, but it was closed so we had a few beers instead. I quite like boxing but don't get to see much on account of the missus hating it, so I was quite looking forward to it. Never mind, we'll organise a trip on the correct day in the new year, and photographic evidence will be posted I promise.

While we're on New Year, I travel to blighty on Friday 19th, back to Bangkok on Jan 2nd. Please invite me to any parties you know about, even if you're not actually organising them. I have a feeling that the festivities will be even more feverish than usual this year on account of the "Slow down" (dead stop, anyone?). On returning here I fly almost straight out to the rig, and there I will stay until February. Better stock up on good books. Unfortunately I'm now nearly up to date on Battlestar Galactica, unless the DVD of season 4.5 comes out soon. That TV series has kept me entertained for two months now, which means my drumming has suffered from neglect. I still drum twice a week but knowing I'll be at sea for most of next year takes away my enthusiasm. Ditto for training, although there is a gym on the rig so I won't come home a complete "Blurtah".

Still on the new year, what can be expected for ferret-times in 2009? Well, there'll be less amazing culture-clash stories as I get bored with my surroundings, more aimless wittering like this, and more moaning about being ohmsick. The job has to end eventually, but at the moment there's no end in sight. Also I'll do some more crosswords. They were popular with some but not others. All I can say is if you hate them, let me know. I enjoy putting them together, but if it turns people away from the blog I won't do it.

Enough for today, pizza has arrived and I want to be sure I get all of my share and most of everyone else's.

Be good.

Miillionaires Club

This is the hundredth post.

Sandy got richer by £789k. Details:
*****************
woooo...more cash for me.....

CONGRATULATION
You are No(5)you won
(£789,000.00 GBP)
Britain Pounds UK NATIONAL® LOTTERY
Batch No: 01/209/AD16G To claim your winnings you are expected to contact
your
agent Mr.Peterson Walter via email immediately within 24hrs
with the following details below.

1.Full name............................
2.Country..............................
3.Contact Address......................
4.Telephone Number.....................
5.Age...............................

Mr.Peterson Walter
Head Winning Claims Dept.
Email: mr.petersonwalter_04@yahoo.com.hk
Tel.: xyzxyzxyz


Signed.

Mrs. Joan Mike
(ONLINE CO-ORDINATOR)
**********************

And our chart:



Someone needs to win some Euro so we can have some yellow on there. That would be you, Odette...

It's Toasty Here.

Just had a little sunbathe and swim. I thought of you all freezing your bits off and took some pics.



View from the pool area (15th Floor)

nuff said.

Christmas

Snowfalkes and snowmen? Has he gone completely xmas bonkers?

Yes, well I was bored. All my own work of course.

If you're wondering what I'm talking about then my web fettling skills have let me down again.

Any suggestions for further "Enhancements" are wholly unwelcome.

I've set up a snow-watch here but I have a suspicion it will be a disappointment. However, never say never. Too many ever's in that sentence.

Be good, or Santa will bring you a bag of ashes.

Guess what I did?

Got a bit squiffy, and everyone else did it, so felt it was churlish to refuse....

I should apologise to my friends and family here, but sod you all I think it looks well hard.

Where am I, and when is it?

Lost in timezones and micro-napping. I'm in my apartment, at least physically. To quote an old friend who said this very often, and was, to be fair, of very limited IQ: "I think I left my brain at home".

The trip from Manchester to Bangkok, normally a 17 hour grueller, this time was via Phuket. That, for the geographically challenged, is also in Thailand but a grand total of 980 km from Bangkok. The resulting van-ride was epic.

Here's the blow-by-blow:

Finnair finally told me I could go back via Helsinki overnight, and Phuket, then drive to Bkk. This was possible because I am living and working over there and in those cases they are obliged to repatriate passengers.

I hastily contacted my employers here and they agreed to send a driver to meet me and take me from Phuket to Bangkok.

I left the house in a hurry as usual, having discovered an email ten minutes before leaving which informed me of a schedule change. This would mean my driver would arrive 7 hours late to meet me. There was no way to confirm it, and it contradicted the one I'd been given over the phone by the nice Finnair man, so I left not knowing my itinerary.

Sure enough, on arrival at Helsinki I was told the following two versions of events within two minutes:

• You're booked into a Hotel overnight. Get a bus and tell them we sent you. You fly to Phuket at 6 am, good night.
• You're on the flight to Phuket which leaves in an hour. Get your arse over to the checkin desk NOW.

I decided to wander around aimlessly. Seemed like the logical thing to do. Eventually, having found the information desk empty and wandered over to the check-in desk (also empty) I was told over the Public Address system to go the infomation desk. Strangely when I got there it was open. Twilight moment for sure.

The information people gave me more information and I made my way to the enormous Cumulus Hotel (think that's what it was called - my memory is cloudy. Crrrasssshhhhh) for the first of many short sleeps. I got to bed around 12 and was woken at 4.30 to get on the Phuket flight. Already cell-damage was setting in, and the transformation from "jet-set traveller" to "jelly-brained rambler" had begun.

The next twilight moment was when no more than two dozen or so passengers had boarded the flight to Phuket, they closed the doors and took off. I looked around during the flight and it was really quite disconcerting to see a plane with 400 seats nearly empty. Quite spooky.

More napping, but my guts play up on planes so although it was a ten-hour flight, I probably slept for three of those. I watched "Wall-e" and found it to be amusing in a sugary, formulaic hollywood style. When are they going to invent some more cliche's? Every scene contained one and they are getting a bit dog-eared.

There was a spectacular sunrise, followed eight hours later by a spectacular sunset, which I really regret not photographing. It would have meant turning on my phone mid-flight so I decided against. I did see Afghanistan (Mountainous), Pakistan (Flat) and India (Bit of both). We also flew over Russia but I was napping. There was a Russian rocket launch on the port horizon but I was on the wrong side to see it.

Landing, I quickly found my driver chap - actually two chaps - and we set off to Bangkok. It was a minivan so there was room to lie down, and they threw me a spiderman quilt. I snuggled down and tried to nap. Problem: Thai roads are too bumpy. Problem: The drivers stopped every hour to wee/eat/stretch legs/swap drivers. Problem; I'd had just enough sleep on the plane to negate the possibility of dropping off in these conditions.

Basically I just lay there bouncing around, not knowing how far it was, waiting for the sky to brighten, and Bangkok's skyline to appear on the horizon. This took twelve hours by which time I was completely scrambled.

I ate a pot-noodle (delicious) and went to bed, where I was finally able to get a semi-decent kip. This was interrupted by Lynny, who rang to see if I was ok, and my cleaner lady, who called round to inform me I had a new bathroom ceiling. I hadn't noticed. Apparently there was a plumbing dsaster on the next floor up while I was away.

The final irony: on one of their many stops, the drivers bought newspapers. They gleefully infomed me that the main airports will open shortly so I needn't have bothered with this trip anyway. A couple more days and I could have flown direct to Bangkok. What a pisser.

It's now 7.30 pm and I'm back at work tomorrow. Wish me luck getting some sleep tonight.

Be good.

That Hel-sinking Feeling

Sorry about the tabloid title folks.

I'm in a hotel room at Helsinki airport. It's 11.50 pm and I have a 4.30 morning call booked. So what am I doing here typing? I have nothing to say - no change there.

Better get some beauty sleep. Oh, shut up.

Night night.

Stuck no More

Well, shiver me timbers, Finnair have saved the day. I'm off to Bangkok tonight, via an overnight stay in Helsinki and a morning flight to Phuket, then a 6-hour drive to be in the office on Wenesday morning. Hurrah!

Stuck in Blighty

Seems I'm going to be here a while so better talk about something.

As we go to press, both airports at Bangkok are blocked with yellow shirted hoolay henlies, calling themselves "The Peoples's Alliance for Democracy" and hell-bent on bringing down said democracy. Comical really. They presumably voted in the last elections, but they don't like the resulting government because it lines the wrong pockets. All this is fine by me, if a little immature, but right now it's stopping me getting back to work, and that's not on. Nuke 'em, I say.

Perhaps the red-shirted pro-government mob will turn up and we'll have a giant bun-fight for the future of the country.

In other news, I've had a good time this week re-connecting with my homies. I've shipped more beer/wine/spirits this week than I did in the previous three months and consequently I feel like something the cat dragged in. Must get an exercise regime going. I miss my gym and pool, and mid-twenties temperatures.

In other news, I sold my UK drums. Sad but necessary, and I'll bring my good ones home when I finish in Thailand.

In other news, it's actually harder to work in the same time-zone as your friends. Emails, facebook messages, texts all get answered virtually straight away instead of waiting for the message-ee to wake up. Consequently I seem to be spending an inordinate amount of time having cyber-conversations and very little time actually working. Pete, if you're reading, that's a joke. Mostly.

Jet Lag Hell

Well now isn't this peachy. It's 7.45 on Sunday morning and already I've been up for half an hour, creeping round the house trying not to wake Lyn/Emma/Cheese/Onion, who are quite correctly having a sound sleep to catch up on the week's excesses. I was unable to keep my eyes open after ten last night, and not just because of the quality of the TV programmes. This will probably continue until I get back to "My own" time zone. I conked out in the pub on Friday as well, despite several pints of stimulant...

To finish the "snot saga", my nose stopped running minutes after I left Helsinki airport, bizarrely. No cold after all. I presume the flight from Bangkok had something in the air system to kill bugs, which affected my sensitive olfactory system. I still hated the christmas decorations though. Sniff.

Ah well, since I'm sat with a PC for company I suppose I better do some work.. Pete, if you're reading, HELP! I need stuff from the ofice! See your email inbox.

Be good.

Cold

Well no sooner had I put my bony arse on the seat of my Finnair flight from Bangkok (27 deg C) to Helsinki (-6 deg C), than my nose turned into a hose and began to stream with a sticky clear(ish) liquid, which from memory I believe is called "snot". I probably don't need to say this but I´m gutted to put it mildly. If this is what Europe´s like you can stick it.

I´m now in Helsinki and I can think of nothing to say about it, except that I´m leaving in one hour. There are Christmas decorations everywhere as well, joy of joys.

I´m off to find tissues.

Stop Press! Fire!

Don't tell anyone but I think I left the iron on in my cabin.

As I left it....



Shortly after...



Later, firebugs...

Tick Tick Tick

Bag is packed, hours early. Now I'm at a loss for something to do. What better reason to type out some drivel for my thousands of readers.

I fly at half past midnight, but it's only 730pm and it takes about 50 minutes to get to the airport. Hmm let's see, that gives me about three hours to wait. How much twaddle can I produce in that time? Lots.

Let me have a rummage around my photo folder....nah, not much there I'm afraid. There's this one:


.. of Rojo's, a cocktail bar where Lyn and I have spent many a happy, er, happy hour drinking whisky sour/pina colada/long island iced tea and watching the world go by.

Or there's this:


..of a Thai bloke in a blue hat selling tickling sticks.

Or there's these:



..which prove that some traffic cops can carry off the all-black/jack boots/surgical mask look better than others.

Or this:


..which is nothing more than my attempt at an arty photo.

And finally this:


..which is the view from my desk.

Sorry it's such a lot of crap. I need a new thread to follow, something to set the imagination alight. Watch this space. Meanwhile an hour has gone by and my trip home is just a little nearer.

Here are a nice pair of bookends:

..at the lantern procession in 2007. Ahhh, memories of New Mills (sob).

I'll be in the Beehive tomorrow (Friday) from about 7pm if anyone wants some beer.

Be good.

Millionaires Club

New one - I'm apparently £750k richer.

************************
20081114 From : Hares, Loic

Dear Lucky Winner

We wish to congratulate and inform you On the selection
today,your email has won you the sum of £750,000.00 GBP
in our online email lottery in which e-mail addresses
are picked randomly by computerized balloting, you must
contact the appointed agent Mr Mark Johnson.Fill out the
form below Ticket no: 56475600545 188 for more clearification.

***********************
And the situation as it stands:



Come on guys, are we the only lucky ones out there? Join the millionaires club, flaunt your wealth.

Cheating death in the Gulf

As Sam Gamgee said after his adventure, "Well, I'm home".

To start with, a few illicit pictures - not really allowed to use cameras on rigs - dunno if it's the flash risk or just security, and I never asked.

View from the computer room window - very exciting.



Bart plugs us in - wait for the bang...



Benchamas - my home for the weekend.



Sunset in the Thai Gulf.



Doesn't look like it, but a storm is coming.



Leaving. The yelllow circle on the boat deck is where they landed the glorified rope ladder on a crane which they refer to as a personnel carrier. Lots of fun.



More sunset. The "Tanker" at the front is an FPSO, moored to the sea bed by the large contraption at the prow. It acts as a production rig. The second tanker is there to take oil away.

On the boat, watching them, watching telly. I sat here for 7 hours.


The story of my weekend:
I was picked up from my apartment at 6am on Friday, by a monosyllabic driver in an ancient Merc, and driven the 2-hour trip to the airport in sullen silence. I nodded off - there, I told you it was exciting. On arrival at the tiny airfield I was told it was "sample day", where everyone is given a plastic tub to take to the toilet and pee into. (which brings on a digression - I once heard of a chap who had a vasectomy, and after bringing back a sperm sample, was told "oh thanks but we only wanted urine." Excruciating or what?) So anyway, there I was with my warm tub trying to look like I do this every day, when the bloke gives me two smaller bottles and asks me to split the sample between them, AT THE CHECK-IN DESK. Bizarre - why not give me the two small ones in the first place and let me disappear to the bogs for some privacy? Luckily I didn't spill a drop, which is miraculous for a man with no triangulation. Getting wine from bottle to glass is a challenge for me.

So after a safety briefing, I followed the crowd to the chopper. Ten were boarding, and when the co-pilot asked if anyone was flying for the first time, only I put my hand up. Not actually true - I was flown to the rig off the coast of Angola by chopper 5 years ago, but I have a special talent for remembering irrelevant details and forgetting important facts. So they sat me in the centre of the cabin, away from the emergency exits, presumably in case I pulled any handles out of curiosity. This ensured I was in a cramped position for the our-long flight with nothing to look at except the few instruments I could glimpse between the pilot's and co-pilot's seats, and their body language. Needless to say my lower back began to ache and I squirmed and fidgeted for the whole flight, to the annoyance of the large Scottish gorilla on my right and the emaciated Mancunian on my left.(or is that port and starboard?)

It was, at the time, good weather for flying so I was in fairly good condition when we landed at Benchamas field. I proceeded to work three days of 12-hour shifts, sharing a 4-berth cabin with three extremely quiet and polite Thai engineers. There's really very little to do on a rig, so I found myself in bed every night before 9pm, reading or watching DVD's on my laptop.

The work went well and we (me and my new mate Bart) got our system up and running, and connected it to the existing system without causing any loss of production, thereby avoiding walking the plank or being shot.

On the fourth day we were scheduled to board the 3pm chopper back to shore. However, it so happened that a tropical storm was approaching from the north west, so Chevron's much-practised emergency evacuation drill was swinging into action like a well-oiled, er, oil rig. This meant chaos, basically.

In situations like this, it always rankles that any American nationals are whisked out of danger first, leaving us lesser mortals to slum it on the slow boats.

We waited all day for our boat to arrive, while periodically listening to "our chopper" come and go, filled with fat, privileged prima donnas. I was of course calm and measured - being a representative of the Australian company I'm contracted to - but inside I was raging. I'm not used to being a second class citizen and I don't suppose I ever will be.

Our boat eventually arrived at 5.30pm, by which time we had been subjected to 7 hours in the TV room watching incomprehensible Thai TV at high volume, interspersed with the over-excited antics of the Thais around the pool table. They are good-natured people, always ready to smile and laugh, but my sense of humour had somehow flown off with the last Sikorsky.

Boarding the boat was fun - they use a circular contraption like a kids' climbing frame, hanging by a long rope from a crane, the idea being to cling to the outside of it, while it is lifted and dropped onto the boat deck. The boat deck was 30 metres below the platform deck so much potential for swinging, but luckily the winds were light at that time. Nobody fell off, anyway.

The boat trip took 7 hours, and was similar to a bus-ride I suppose, if said bus happened to take a prolonged detour through 80 miles of fields which had at some point been used as artillery practice.

Chevron had booked us into a hotel and laid on supper for us all, which Bart and I augmented with a couple of cold Heinekens, to the disgust of the Thais, who were going back to the rig as soon as the storm cleared so could not drink.

I should have mentioned that drugs, alcohol and oil rigs don't mix, hence the piss-tests. If found with anything untoward in the bloodstream, they would never work for Chevron again. We, on the other hand, were off back to BKK in the morning, so happy days, glug glug.

That's about it really. We were picked up next morning and driven home to spend a day sleeping, ready for the office tomorrow.

I'll blog again soon.

Be good.

Rig

I'll be on a rig for the next four days so there will be a gap in transmissions. When I come back I'll decide which way to go on the crossword front. They are time-consuming to put together, not relevant to BKK and alienate those who don't like them. However, they are fun....

I've heard it's stormy out in the Gulf at present, and been warned that I'll need my sea-legs, whatever they are.

More on Tuesday, including "how I survived without the internet for a whole long weekend". I do have Mr Rushdie's "Midnight's Children" with me, a thumping good read I might add. I've also, to give some light and shade, packed my Battlestar Galactica DVD's. Don't groan.

Be good.

Crossword2 - 7

Today's "Prize for Peerless Pedantry" goes to Lyn for pointing out the crapness of my clue for 45 down.

Well done punters - another crozzy gets crumpled and binned:
Final scores:

Denise 1 answer
Lyn 13 answers
Odette 17 answers
Sandy 26 answers
Alex 17 answers



Can I get back to normal blogging now? I mean whinging and complaining about boredom and ohmsickness?

Crossword2 - 6

Well, Alex has come with a late charge, even giving one answer when there wasn't a clue. I'm so proud of my daughter for answering all the hard ones Sandy left, that I nearly decided to award double points. However, since she appeared to get bored two-thirds of the way down I held off.

Denise 1 answer
Lyn 10 answers
Odette 17 answers
Sandy 26 answers
Alex 17 answers

There are only three clues left so once agagin Sandy can't be caught, but there is a dead heat for second place so I'd still like the answers please...



ACROSS:
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)

DOWN:
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)

Crossword2 - 5

Sandy whips up his mount and overtakes on the stand rail..
Come on guys don't let him have another sloppy kiss.

Sandy, wrong on 45 down. See, he's not infallible!

Lynny, stop scaring the punters.

Denise 1 answer
Lyn 10 answers
Odette 17 answers
Sandy 26 answers



ACROSS:
6. Dismal.(4)
32. Possibly one time too many.(3,5)
35. Like this clue.(6)
37. Agreement from an individual.(6)
39. Cruel.(8)
42. For geeks: invert the following logic.(3)
47. Ancient hill. Lots of these in New Mills.(3)
52. Become 30 across.(3)
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)

DOWN:
7. Eye discharge.(5)
8. The seat of consciousness.(4)
11. Not from heaven.(7)
17. They can be wild, chosen or bit-of-a.(4)
22. "A dark and hungry God ------", Stephen Donaldson novel.(6)
28. Slang word for power or influence.(5)
34. Make sterile.(6)
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)
46. Ate.(5)

Crossword2 - 4

Sandy wades in...but wrong about 60 down and the geek one.

He nearly takes the lead but a steward's enquiry awards one extra point to Odette for "EMU".

Odette how am I supposed to spot typo's? If you sent a typo into the Times prize crossword, would you get the fifty quid? Eh? Eh? Just for complaining, I'm crediting the correct answer to Lynny. Only joking.

Denise 1 answer
Lyn 10 answers
Odette 17 answers
Sandy 15 answers

ACROSS:
6. Dismal.(4)
16. For geeks: ctrl+z.(4)
32. Possibly one time too many.(3,5)
35. Like this clue.(6)
37. Agreement from an individual.(6)
39. Cruel.(8)
42. For geeks: invert the following logic.(3)
47. Ancient hill. Lots of these in New Mills.(3)
52. Become 30 across.(3)
54. Female dancer.(4)
58. Blues legend, aka McKinley Morganfield.(5,6)
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)

DOWN:
3. Grounds.(8)
4. Irish indy rock band.(3)
7. Eye discharge.(5)
8. The seat of consciousness.(4)
11. Not from heaven.(7)
14. Zombies do this repeatedly.(6,2,3)
17. They can be wild, chosen or bit-of-a.(4)
22. "A dark and hungry God ------", Stephen Donaldson novel.(6)
23. Young people.(6)
28. Slang word for power or influence.(5)
29. Can be King, dirty or shithouse.(3)
34. Make sterile.(6)
40. Female pronoun.(3)
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)
46. Ate.(5)
49. Thermal containers.(6)
60. Stash of money, colloquial.(3)

Crossword2 - 4

One more to add - sorry Odette, lyn got the one you've been close to.

Denise 1 answer
Lyn 10 answers
Odette 16 answers


ACROSS:
6. Dismal.(4)
16. For geeks: .(4)
18. --- Wallach, Ugly from "The Good, the bad and the Ugly".(3)
19. Andrew Lloyd's partner.(3)
20. We say "Less" when we should say "-----",(5)
23. Me? no.(3)
31. Employ.(3)
32. Possibly one time too many.(3,5)
35. Like this clue.(6)
37. Agreement from an individual.(6)
39. Cruel.(8)
42. For geeks: invert the following logic.(3)
43. Large, flightless bird. Not you, lynny.(3)
44. Required for endurance sports, and for compiling crosswords.(7)
47. Ancient hill. Lots of these in New Mills.(3)
48. Three of these made a terrible racket then went back to opera.(3)
49. Language of Iran.(5)
52. Become 30 across.(3)
54. Female dancer.(4)
58. Blues legend, aka McKinley Morganfield.(5,6)
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)
64. In a short while.(4)

DOWN:
3. Grounds.(8)
4. Irish indy rock band.(3)
7. Eye discharge.(5)
8. The seat of consciousness.(4)
11. Not from heaven.(7)
14. Zombies do this repeatedly.(6,2,3)
15. Variety of Tree.(3)
17. They can be wild, chosen or bit-of-a.(4)
22. "A dark and hungry God ------", Stephen Donaldson novel.(6)
23. Young people.(6)
28. Slang word for power or influence.(5)
29. Can be King, dirty or shithouse.(3)
33. Pole.(5)
34. Make sterile.(6)
40. Female pronoun.(3)
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)
46. Ate.(5)
49. Thermal containers.(6)
50. To compost.(3)
53. Flammable moss.(4)
55. Norse god.(4)
59. Can be lucky, sheep or salsa.(3)
60. Stash of money, colloquial.(3)

Crossword2 - 3

Hey everyone, meet Denise. She's shy so be nice. I met Denise while working in Sweden and she made me love her forever by giving me her Bjork ticket.

Scores:

Denise 1 answer
Lyn 9 answers
Odette 16 answers

Where are the other big hitters, Alex and Sandy? I await bumper emails from both.

O, you're still close on 10 across. Keep trying.
L, wrong on 37 across and O beat you by 23 minutes on 9 down.

I've amended the clue for 54 across - wrong number of letters, sorry.



ACROSS:
6. Dismal.(4)
10. Pull this when telling tall tales.(3,5,3)
16. For geeks: .(4)
18. --- Wallach, Ugly from "The Good, the bad and the Ugly".(3)
19. Andrew Lloyd's partner.(3)
20. We say "Less" when we should say "-----",(5)
23. Me? no.(3)
31. Employ.(3)
32. Possibly one time too many.(3,5)
35. Like this clue.(6)
37. Agreement from an individual.(6)
39. Cruel.(8)
42. For geeks: invert the following logic.(3)
43. Large, flightless bird. Not you, lynny.(3)
44. Required for endurance sports, and for compiling crosswords.(7)
47. Ancient hill. Lots of these in New Mills.(3)
48. Three of these made a terrible racket then went back to opera.(3)
49. Language of Iran.(5)
52. Become 30 across.(3)
54. Female dancer.(4)
58. Blues legend, aka McKinley Morganfield.(5,6)
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)
64. In a short while.(4)

DOWN:
3. Grounds.(8)
4. Irish indy rock band.(3)
7. Eye discharge.(5)
8. The seat of consciousness.(4)
11. Not from heaven.(7)
14. Zombies do this repeatedly.(6,2,3)
15. Variety of Tree.(3)
17. They can be wild, chosen or bit-of-a.(4)
22. "A dark and hungry God ------", Stephen Donaldson novel.(6)
23. Young people.(6)
28. Slang word for power or influence.(5)
29. Can be King, dirty or shithouse.(3)
33. Pole.(5)
34. Make sterile.(6)
40. Female pronoun.(3)
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)
46. Ate.(5)
49. Thermal containers.(6)
50. To compost.(3)
53. Flammable moss.(4)
55. Norse god.(4)
59. Can be lucky, sheep or salsa.(3)
60. Stash of money, colloquial.(3)

Crossword2_2

Odette leaps to an early lead, since nobody else has noticed the new one yet.

O, your answers for 10,23,43,52, 63 across, and 7,33,55 down are wrong. In one case you were very close.

Odette: 13 answers.

Latest:


Clues:
ACROSS:
1. Dull, lacking colour.(4)
6. Dismal.(4)
10. Pull this when telling tall tales.(3,5,3)
13. Ubiquitous trouser press.(5)
16. For geeks: .(4)
18. --- Wallach, Ugly from "The Good, the bad and the Ugly".(3)
19. Andrew Lloyd's partner.(3)
20. We say "Less" when we should say "-----",(5)
21. An easy one, to begin.(5)
23. Me? no.(3)
24. Puts back to default settings.(6)
31. Employ.(3)
32. Possibly one time too many.(3,5)
35. Like this clue.(6)
37. Agreement from an individual.(6)
39. Cruel.(8)
42. For geeks: invert the following logic.(3)
43. Large, flightless bird. Not you, lynny.(3)
44. Required for endurance sports, and for compiling crosswords.(7)
47. Ancient hill. Lots of these in New Mills.(3)
48. Three of these made a terrible racket then went back to opera.(3)
49. Language of Iran.(5)
51. Trick.(3)
52. Become 30 across.(3)
54. Female dancer.(3)
58. Blues legend, aka McKinley Morganfield.(5,6)
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)
64. In a short while.(4)

DOWN:
1. Paint in a slapdash fashion.(4)
3. Grounds.(8)
4. Irish indy rock band.(3)
7. Eye discharge.(5)
8. The seat of consciousness.(4)
9. Medieval weapon.(4)
11. Not from heaven.(7)
12. "Tarka curry, it's like chicken but it's -----" - my favourite joke.(5)
14. Zombies do this repeatedly.(6,2,3)
15. Variety of Tree.(3)
17. They can be wild, chosen or bit-of-a.(4)
22. "A dark and hungry God ------", Stephen Donaldson novel.(6)
23. Young people.(6)
25. When we'll be there. Abbreviation.(3)
26. Test.(11)
28. Slang word for power or influence.(5)
29. Can be King, dirty or shithouse.(3)
33. Pole.(5)
34. Make sterile.(6)
38. Ingest.(3)
40. Female pronoun.(3)
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)
46. Ate.(5)
49. Thermal containers.(6)
50. To compost.(3)
53. Flammable moss.(4)
55. Norse god.(4)
57. Deserve, as in respect.(4)
59. Can be lucky, sheep or salsa.(3)
60. Stash of money, colloquial.(3)

Nuvver crossword

This one's harder, but you'll probably finish it in a blink, just like the last one.

Clues:
ACROSS:
1. Dull, lacking colour.(4)
3. Seafaring thief.(6)
6. Dismal.(4)
9. River and national park in Kenya.(4)
10. Pull this when telling tall tales.(3,5,3)
13. Ubiquitous trouser press.(5)
16. For geeks: .(4)
18. --- Wallach, Ugly from "The Good, the bad and the Ugly".(3)
19. Andrew Lloyd's partner.(3)
20. We say "Less" when we should say "-----",(5)
21. An easy one, to begin.(5)
23. Me? no.(3)
24. Puts back to default settings.(6)
27. Cup-holders, rarely used unless to give tea to a dog.(7)
30. Unwell.(3)
31. Employ.(3)
32. Possibly one time too many.(3,5)
35. Like this clue.(6)
37. Agreement from an individual.(6)
39. Cruel.(8)
42. For geeks: invert the following logic.(3)
43. Large, flightless bird. Not you, lynny.(3)
44. Required for endurance sports, and for compiling crosswords.(7)
45. Concocted, as in beer.(6)
47. Ancient hill. Lots of these in New Mills.(3)
48. Three of these made a terrible racket then went back to opera.(3)
49. Language of Iran.(5)
51. Trick.(3)
52. Become 30 across.(3)
54. Female dancer.(3)
56. Can be past, present, future or nervous.(5)
58. Blues legend, aka McKinley Morganfield.(5,6)
61. Corrosion.(4)
62. ---- to self: write better clues.(4)
63. Can be flat, toe-clip or SPuD.(6)
64. In a short while.(4)

DOWN:
1. Paint in a slapdash fashion.(4)
2. Can be salted, hot, or "I can't believe it's not".(6)
3. Grounds.(8)
4. Irish indy rock band.(3)
5. Listening device.(3)
7. Eye discharge.(5)
8. The seat of consciousness.(4)
9. Medieval weapon.(4)
11. Not from heaven.(7)
12. "Tarka curry, it's like chicken but it's -----" - my favourite joke.(5)
14. Zombies do this repeatedly.(6,2,3)
15. Variety of Tree.(3)
17. They can be wild, chosen or bit-of-a.(4)
22. "A dark and hungry God ------", Stephen Donaldson novel.(6)
23. Young people.(6)
25. When we'll be there. Abbreviation.(3)
26. Test.(11)
28. Slang word for power or influence.(5)
29. Can be King, dirty or shithouse.(3)
33. Pole.(5)
34. Make sterile.(6)
36. Ringed planet.(6)
38. Ingest.(3)
40. Female pronoun.(3)
44. Ah, the sound of these on a frosty winters morning. I miss it.(7)
45. Borrow, colloquial.(4)
46. Ate.(5)
49. Thermal containers.(6)
50. To compost.(3)
51. Tailed celestial body.(5)
53. Flammable moss.(4)
55. Norse god.(4)
57. Deserve, as in respect.(4)
59. Can be lucky, sheep or salsa.(3)
60. Stash of money, colloquial.(3)

Hat

Bought this hat for Lyn. think she'll like it? Shh, don't tell her.

Millionaires' Club

Here's an idea. I've received two emails this week telling me I've won enormous sums of money, and it got me thinking, I could count the amounts and see how much unreal money I can accumulate over a year or so. Then of course being of the modern age I decided to make a competition out of it. So dig into your "Deleted" folders, find the emails you quite correctly deleted without a moments thought, and swipe the relevant information. Then simply send it to me in a comment on this blog.

No sense forwarding the emails, that's just spamming the internet for no good reason.

I'll keep score and we'll see who is "Richest" next November 5th. Winner pays for the fireworks, with real money of course.

My two this week were:

***************
20081102: From the "Helen Foundation"

This is to inform you that you have been chosen By The Board Of Trustees of the above
International Charity Organization as one of the final recipients of a Cash Donation.
Based on the random selection exercise of Internet Service Providers (ISP)
and millions of Super market cash invoices worldwide, you were selected as the
lucky recipient to receive the award sum of $950,000.00 USD (Nine Hundred and Fifty
Thousand United State Dollars) as charity donations/aid from the Association
Of European Charity Foundations and the UNO in accordance with the enabling act of
Parliament.
*******************

*******************
20081104: From "Tage Koed Manson"

Dear Lucky Winner
We wish to congratulate and inform you On the selection
today,your email has won you the sum of £750,000.00 GBP
in our online email lottery in which e-mail addresses
are picked randomly by computerized balloting, you must
contact the appointed agent Mr Kevin Cool.Fill out the
form below Ticket no: 56475600545 188 for more clearification.
*******************

I make that $950k amd £750k. I feel better already.

By the way, Lynny, happy anniversary. Yes folks, myself and the glorious ginger one met on this day in 1990. (She was brunette then though) - Which leads me onto another topic - poetry. Hmmm, I might just post some verse, see how it goes.

Crossword - 8

It's done, stop now. See what you can do when you work as a team?

Final scores:

Alexandra 12 answers
Alexander 33 answers
Odette 20 answers
Lyn 12 answers


If requested, I can do another next week.

Crossword - 7

Blimey, this is speed-blogging.

Sandy you obviously need a tougher challenge.

Scores:

Alexandra 12 answers
Alexander 31 answers
Odette 19 answers
Lyn 8 answers


ACROSS:
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
for sale.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)

DOWN:
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
23. A park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. --- Force, a beer sold in New Mills.(3)

Crossword - 6

Folks, Sandy can't be overtaken but I want you all to show fighting spirit and finish this thing off ok?

.. and I've now realised there wasnever a clue for 44 down. What a duffer. Now added, see below.

Latest scores:

Alexandra 12 answers
Alexander 28 answers
Odette 19 answers
Lyn 8 answers

Sandy yes you get your kiss, but no tongues Ok? Not after last time.

It's coming along:



And the remaining clues:
ACROSS:
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
45. Term descibing sub-standard goods for sale.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)

DOWN:
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
23. A park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. --- Force, a beer sold in New Mills.(3)
44. First thing to do on receipt of a new credit card.(4,2)
46. Can be true, writer, or strong silent.(4)

Crossword - 5

Latest scores:

Alexandra 11 answers
Alexander 18 answers
Odette 19 answers
Lyn 8 answers

Odette, click on the crossword and it will be big enough to read, you Afrikaan meat-head.

Sandy, result of the stewards' enquiry: rtfm, the sea monster is 17 down, not 19 down. And anyway wifey just got the answer.

And here's how it looks:


Remaining clues:
ACROSS:
13. Make amends.(5)
15. "Sat in your ---" - Kate Bush.(3)
18. 54 Across is one of these, right now, and has been several times before.(5)
30. A time of extreme chocolate-eating, for 54 Across.(6)
32. Arnie was doing this when he said "I'll be back". I think.(7)
40. A type of automated lathe. Abbreviation.(3)
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
42. Bad times for schoolkids.(5)
45. Term descibing sub-standard goods for sale.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)
58. A jacket needs this, especially in Derbyshire.(16)

DOWN:
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
12. The All-Blacks make this before every game.(4,3,5,2,2)
23. A park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
31. Shocked.(6)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. --- Force, a beer sold in New Mills.(3)
46. Can be true, writer, or strong silent.(4)
56. About July 23 to August 22. I think.(3)

Come on, you're nearly there...

Crossword - 4

Many thanks Alexander and Alexandra. The current scores are:

Alexandra 11 answers
Alexander 6 answers
Odette 19 answers
Lyn 7 answers

Alexandra, sorry the clue for 55 is really for 56, new clue for 55 below.
Latest:

ACROSS:
13. Make amends.(5)
15. "Sat in your ---" - Kate Bush.(3)
18. 54 Across is one of these, right now, and has been several times before.(5)
29. Round the circuit the wrong way, mate!(3)
30. A time of extreme chocolate-eating, for 54 Across.(6)
32. Arnie was doing this when he said "I'll be back". I think.(7)
40. A type of automated lathe. Abbreviation.(3)
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
42. Bad times for schoolkids.(5)
45. Term descibing sub-standard goods for sale.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)
52. "Listen carefully, I shall say zis only ----" - Allo Allo.(4)
57. Can be red, sticky, winning or magnetic.(4)
58. A jacket needs this, especially in Derbyshire.(16)

DOWN:
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
12. The All-Blacks make this before every game.(4,3,5,2,2)
17. Mythical sea-monster.(6)
23. A park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
31. Shocked.(6)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. --- Force, a beer sold in New Mills.(3)
46. Can be true, writer, or strong silent.(4)
51. Ship's staff.(4)
55. "Please ---" - 70's sit com.(3)
56. About July 23 to August 22. I think.(3)

Keep 'em coming...

Crossword - 3

Latest after two more answers:


And the remaining clues:
ACROSS:
13. Make amends.(5)
15. "Sat in your ---" - Kate Bush.(3)
16. Daft Canadian name for a moose.(3)
18. 54 Across is one of these, right now, and has been several times before.(5)
20. A casual look.(6)
23. Unwanted marks.(6)
29. Round the circuit the wrong way, mate!(3)
30. A time of extreme chocolate-eating, for 54 Across.(6)
32. Arnie was doing this when he said "I'll be back". I think.(7)
36. Double 14 Across.(3)
37. Can be brass, red, broken or long.(4)
40. A type of automated lathe. Abbreviation.(3)
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
42. Bad times for schoolkids.(5)
45. Term descibing sub-standard goods for sale.(3)
47. First name of the actor who played Gandalf.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)
52. "Listen carefully, I shall say zis only ----" - Allo Allo.(4)
54. First "R" in Ferret.(4)
57. Can be red, sticky, winning or magnetic.(4)
58. A jacket needs this, especially in Derbyshire.(16)

DOWN:
1. Undergarment.(4)
2. Dick-headed, monosyllabic Stallone character.(5)
3. One of Tolkien's baddies.(3)
4. Everyone, a topless party!(3)
9. Famous song by Jerry Lee Lewis.(5,5,2,4)
10. Part of a film.(5)
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
12. The All-Blacks make this before every game.(4,3,5,2,2)
13. Cleopatra's bane.(3)
17. Mythical sea-monster.(6)
19. "The -------", Shakespeare play.(7)
23. Park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
25. Computer command - show files.(3)
31. Shocked.(6)
32. Enquire.(3)
35. Definite article.(3)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. --- Force, a beer sold in New Mills.(3)
46. Can be true, writer, or strong silent.(4)
51. Ship's staff.(4)
55. About July 23 to August 22. I think.(3)

Come on guys, still some easy ones left.

mealy bugs, normal transmission will follow shortly......

....(came to me in a flash!)

thought i saw evidence of them before i left, sorry, you need some spray as o said, you can look up the thai for spray!!!

Crossword - 2

Wonderful response, and only one correction so far.

Latest looks like this:



And the remaining clues:

ACROSS:
1. Usually on the end of 54 Across's nose.(9,7)
8. Detected by 54 Across's nose.(4)
13. Make amends.(5)
15. "Sat in your ---" - Kate Bush.(3)
16. Daft Canadian name for a moose.(3)
18. 54 Across is one of these, right now, and has been several times before.(5)
20. A casual look.(6)
23. Unwanted marks.(6)
29. Round the circuit the wrong way, mate!(3)
30. A time of extreme chocolate-eating, for 54 Across.(6)
32. Arnie was doing this when he said "I'll be back". I think.(7)
36. Double 14 Across.(3)
37. Can be brass, red, broken or long.(4)
40. A type of automated lathe. Abbreviation.(3)
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
42. Bad times for schoolkids.(5)
45. Term descibing sub-standard goods for sale.(3)
47. First name of the actor who played Gandalf.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)
52. "Listen carefully, I shall say zis only ----" - Allo Allo.(4)
54. First "R" in Ferret.(4)
57. Can be red, sticky, winning or magnetic.(4)
58. A jacket needs this, especially in Derbyshire.(16)

DOWN:
1. Undergarment.(4)
2. Dick-headed, monosyllabic Stallone character.(5)
3. One of Tolkien's baddies.(3)
4. Everyone, a topless party!(3)
9. Famous song by Jerry Lee Lewis.(5,5,2,4)
10. Part of a film.(5)
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
12. The All-Blacks make this before every game.(4,3,5,2,2)
13. Cleopatra's bane.(3)
17. Mythical sea-monster.(6)
19. "The -------", Shakespeare play.(7)
23. Park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
25. Computer command - show files.(3)
31. Shocked.(6)
32. Enquire.(3)
35. Definite article.(3)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. --- Force, a beer sold in New Mills.(3)
46. Can be true, writer, or strong silent.(4)
51. Ship's staff.(4)
55. About July 23 to August 22. I think.(3)

Crossword - 1

How's this for a transparent attempt to get the hit counter moving?

I've cobbled together a crossword and some clues. Please comment with any answers, and if they are correct I'll post a partially filled in version, and so on until it's complete.

I'll tot up correct answers and the person with the most gets a sloppy wet kiss from me. Hope it's a woman.

Our regulars are a fairly eclectic group, ranging from artists to engineers, so the questions range from difficult(for the engineers) to absurdly easy(for the artists). A couple of tips - cryptic clues end with exclamation marks and some of the answers are New Mills-centric, for which I make no apologies. At this point I should mention that I haven't tested this on anyone before posting it, so there may be spelling mistakes, missing clues etc. - no pedantic behaviour please.

Here's the image and clues:



ACROSS:
1. Usually on the end of 54 Across's nose.(9,7)
8. Detected by 54 Across's nose.(4)
10. Sharpest tool in the box, if you're a surgeon.(7)
12. Try being nocturnal rodents, and flying backwards!(4)
13. Make amends.(5)
14. "--- ring to rule them all, --- ring to find them, --- ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them" - JRR Tolkien.(3)
15. "Sat in your ---" - Kate Bush.(3)
16. Daft Canadian name for a moose.(3)
18. 54 Across is one of these, right now, and has been several times before.(5)
20. A casual look.(6)
22. Tides do this, when not flowing.(3)
23. Unwanted marks.(6)
25. A small amount of whisky.(4)
26. When it comes to writing, this is the sharp end.(3)
28. 54 Across's favourite colour.(4)
29. Round the circuit the wrong way, mate!(3)
30. A time of extreme chocolate-eating, for 54 Across.(6)
32. Arnie was doing this when he said "I'll be back". I think.(7)
33. An abbreviation for a pseudonym.(3)
34. Direction of the rising sun.(4)
36. Double 14 Across.(3)
37. Can be brass, red, broken or long.(4)
38. You'll find this on the top of 54 Across's head. (2,4)
40. A type of automated lathe. Abbreviation.(3)
41. Quote from 54 Across's wife, often late on fridays.(3,3)
42. Bad times for schoolkids.(5)
45. Term describing sub-standard goods for sale.(3)
47. First name of the actor who played Gandalf.(3)
48. Large vessel.(3)
50. "The ----- is strong in this one" - Darth Vader.(5)
52. "Listen carefully, I shall say zis only ----" - Allo Allo.(4)
54. First "R" in Ferret.(7)
57. Can be red, sticky, winning or magnetic.(4)
58. A jacket needs this, especially in Derbyshire.(16)

DOWN:
1. Undergarment.(4)
2. Dick-headed, monosyllabic Stallone character.(5)
3. One of Tolkien's baddies.(3)
4. Everyone, a topless party!(3)
5. Text-speak for "Gosh, your last remark was amusing".(3)
6. One makes a corporal, two makes a lieutenant, etc.(6)
7. Golly, clean that up!(4)
9. Famous song by Jerry Lee Lewis.(5,5,2,4)
10. Part of a film.(5)
11. Woodworking tool.(4)
12. The All-Blacks make this before every game.(4,3,5,2,2)
13. Cleopatra's bane.(3)
15. Big cat.(4)
17. Mythical sea-monster.(6)
19. "The -------", Shakespeare play.(7)
21. Small 15 Down.(3)
23. Park in 54 Across's home town.(6)
24. Large dog, sometimes red.(6)
25. Computer command - show files.(3)
27. Attribute, necessary for tightrope-walkers.(7)
31. Shocked.(6)
32. Enquire.(3)
35. Definite article.(3)
39. Opposite of closed.(4)
41. Judge's blunt implement.(5)
43. "--- Force", a beer sold in New Mills.(3)
46. Can be true, writer, or strong silent.(4)
49. Metric measure, 1000kg.(5)
51. Ship's staff.(4)
53. A golf course has eighteen, a dinner set has six and a bra has two. I think.(4)
54. Fish eggs.(3)
55. About July 23 to August 22. I think.(3)

Good luck all, comment even if you have one answer, and don't forget to tell your mates...

Be good

Sunday

Sunday, at last a day off, ha! I plan the following activities, plus some much needed INactivity:

• Eat
• Shave
• Dress
• Shop
• Gym
• Eat
• Blog
• Skype
• Eat
• Drum
• Sleep
• Bloody hell it's monday already

Seems a fair agenda to me. Later.

Be good.

Autumn

Forgot to mention how stunned I was by the beauty of England in October. There, I mentioned it. Nothing to discuss, we all know about it but continue to grumble about the price of fish. Me in particular. Odd when you can buy a lovely sea bass here for the price of a stamp in England.
Here there is no natural beauty unless you count electric storms. Oh and the jasmine smells nice.

Plant Dying

On a more thorough inpection, it seems the plant didn't fare so well during my absence as my initial cursory glance suggested. Curse my unobservant eye.

Here are some pictures of said foliage showing the alarming white crud and brown fronds.






Any ideas, you haughty culturalists out there? No, not you Maureen.

..and please don't tell the wife. She'll kill me with a glance and a tut.