Off Home Again

Bag is packed, chin is scraped, teeth are curly and hair is white. I'm off to the airport again. See you in blighty, one and all, and if I don't then you missed out on a pint.
I might post from Helsinki with any musings I think of along the way. This is the same route that caused a temporary olfactory deluge last time. I hope not again...

How much dinner revisited

Same hotel, same restaurant, different disaster.

This time I ordered Spaghetti pesto with shrimp, with corn soup to start.

Five minutes later she came back with a sheepish expression - "Solly sir no have corn soup". I looked in vain at the menu, for any other soups, broths or consommes to take the place of my eagerly anticipated appetiser, eventually deciding just to have a main course. Sensible, given that I still feel dodgy after eating half the hotel larder last night.

Five minutes later she was back, even more sheepish (Muttonish? No, means something else).

"Solly sir, no have Pesto" - well that put a cap on it. No starter and no main course. I ordered a bag of nuts and six heinekens and sod 'em all.

Actually I had hot & spicy noodles with chicken and two beers. I deserve the beers, having saved countless lives today. We spent the afternoon in the pool wearing overalls, life jackets and neoprene shoes. Not a good look.

Last day tomorrow, then one day in the office and I'm off home.

Here's the dullest pic I've ever taken, but it seems apt.

See you all soon.

How much dinner?

Well I went to the restaurant here in the hotel, and having seen Japanese stir-fried noodles on the first page of the menu and ordered it, I proceeded to find steamed rice with chicken and cashews on page 5. So I changed my order, not forgetting to remind the chef that I wanted a large meal having been active all day on short rations, then been to the gym.

Both meals turned up.

Large.

I naturally accepted this with good grace and woofed the lot of it.

I swear you could use my stomach as a snare drum right now. But please don't.

Be good.

Fighting Fire With... Extinguishers

Laemtong Hotel, Chon Buri, 2 hours South East of Bangkok. I'm in a serviced apartment for a couple of nights while I attend a course on Safety, Fire Fighting and Helicopter Emergency Procedures. Bit of a mouthful that.

Today we got to don masks and find our way through pitch-black smoke-filled containers, with nothing but our wits to guide us. We also used all the different extinguishers on all the different kinds of fires. Very macho, and insufferably dull.

On getting to the apartments I discovered there's a gym and pool, and the gym has an exercise bike that actually works. Hurrah! Half an hour later, and suitably shaved and showered, I'm off for dinner.

Tomorrow it's dunking in the pool (brr, must be 25 degrees in there) for rescue techniques, also first aid. Wednesday we get to be "Crashed" in a mock helicopter into the pool, and inverted. Then we have to find our way to the surface without drowning, showing signs of panic, or otherwise embarrassing ourselves. After that we get our stifkit and are free to do as much offshore work as we want.

Home on Friday, can't wait.

Milloinaires Club

Well it makes me worry for the naiive and usually older folk who are the target audience of this email, but here it seems I'm even richer than I thought....

************************

WILL EXECUTION
I wish to intimate you with a request that would be of immense benefit to both of us. Being an executor of WILL, it is possible that we may be tempted to make fortune out of our client situations, when we cannot help it, or left with no better option.The issue I am presenting to you isabout my client who WILLS a fortune to his next-of-kin. It was most unfortunate that he and his next-of-kin died on the same day in the Shiraz plane crash of Tuesday 10 February 2004.I am now faced with confusion of who to pass the fortune to.
According to the English law, the fortune is supposed to be bequeathed to the government.However, I don't belong to that school of thought which proposes that the fortune of unlucky people be given to the government.My purpose of contacting you is to seek your assistance to act as the benefactor of the WILL, and lay claim to the legacy (12.4million pounds sterling),which this my unfortunate client bequeathed to his next-of-kin.For now, It is only known to me, as my client has great confident in me.Everything will be left between you and I. The share would be 40% for you and 60% for me.
All I have to do is to amend the WILL stating you as the beneficiary to the 12.4million pounds sterling. As I am yet to get your consent on this issue, I prefer not to divulge my full identity so as not to risk being debarred. The English Bar considers it a breach of the oath of the English Bar Council.I need not emphasizeto you that the sensitivity of this issue need not be toyed with by neglecting its confidentiality. Due to the risk involve and also the activities of fraudsters now rampant on the internet, and until I am sure of your consent, full cooperation and genuine willingness to assist me forour mutual benefit. I would prefer that we maintain correspondence by email. At this point I want to assure you that your true consent, full cooperation and confidentiality are all that are required for us to take full advantage of this great opportunity. This is an opportunity that people rarely have.
I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Yours truly,Barr.phil haywood

*******************

With my last blog in mind I'm not in a great mood today so here goes a pointless speech:

If by some miracle the perpetrator of this email ever reads this, please email me on russell.hindley@virgin.net and answer the following questions:

• How do you sleep at night with this on your conscience?


• Would your mother approve of how you earn a living?


• Do you have no concept of a work ethic? Can't you just get a job?


• Would you happily spend whatever you gain from this con, knowing it was obtained by deceit?

I know the answers to these questions will be adolescent babble at best, but I'd love to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Right, now I'm off to the gym to burn off some anger. Oh, and the richness chart looks like this:

Boom

7.40am Sunday - HUGE bang somewhere in the city this morning. I shudder to think what might have happened. Having felt the shockwave from here, it made me think what it must be like to be near. Instant death fot those in the epicentre obviously, but on the periphery, they probably found themselves waking up maimed without even hearing the bang. Most of us are lucky enough never to actually hear a bomb going off, but (asssuming I just did) it's the shortness of the blast that surprises me. Hollywood movies have given us the impression that a blast is a prolonged noise, a thing of beauty to be lavishly viewed from six diferent angles over a period of seconds, but this was a sharp retort over in microseconds and, I imagine, not at all photogenic. I wonder which image was in the heads of the bomb-makers, and if Hollywood has a case to answer.

How can people do that remotely? Do they stay close enough to listen? Don't their stomachs turn over when it goes off? Don't they instantly feel remorse and rush to confess in an attempt to clear the conscience? If not, how monstrous are they? My faith in humanity is wobbling.

I hope I'm wrong and it wasn't a bomb.

Be good.

Well hello, it has took a while to get these photos onto my computer due to electrical problems at the house but as I was not so impressed by the photos of a nice sunny Thailand and a bare bodied Ferret, I thought I would go out and take some of my own photos and let you all in to what we have been donned with over the last 2 weeks here in the UK, not that I am complaining as the days have been lovely and crisp but as we are half a world apart I thought I would put things into perspective












Yes this is frost, it looks like snow but believe me this is one nights work

Less than a week to go until your return and I would definately bring some or even make sure Lyn has some thick woollies put out for you. Glad we are off to a warmer place (where my fingers and toes may get the chance to warm up) for the next 18 days...hurrah!

Hope you are ok and looking forward to your Christmas return home. Can't wait until next weekend, thats when I can officially start thinking about slowing down and getting into the Christmas spirit as I will only have one more working day to go. Yippee

Scribbles

Text-only blogging today sorry, I'm in work and have no way to get my many stimulating and interesting photographs from phone to PC.

While we're on phones, mine holds 8gb of music, has one of the best music players on the market, supports a bluetooth stereo headset and can make and receive calls while playing music. What do I need an iPod Nano for? I nearly bought one because they're so pretty.

While we're on music, this month I've fallen in love with the Kings of Leon, Elbow and The Acorn so anyone who's reading would be well advised to check those artistes out. And no, I'm not getting paid to advertise them.

While we're on advertising, I'm getting tired of TV on trains. Every carriage of the BTS Skytrain has two installed, and they play adverts all day at high volume. People gaze up at the blasted things like captive brainwash victims. In order to blank this out I wear the afore-mentioned headset, but I have to put my music up so loud I'm in danger of proving wifey's warnings about hearing loss. I also read on the train if I'm lucky enough to get a seat. Yes I can read and listen to music at the same time. I can also hear the announcement of my station ("Nanaaaa...") on the train PA over all of this. It takes practice but is ultimately rewarding.

While we're on Wifey she's had a cold for a couple of days so please all wish her a speedy recovery. It even kept her from University for a day so it must have been a bad one. Fortunately I forget having colds in a matter of weeks, so can't remember that last time I had one. This forgetfulness is probably the reason I frequently claim never to catch colds, which is patently untrue. Mind you, I get a lot less than the missus.

While we're on forgetfulness, I was waiting for a motorcycle taxi the other day and complained to a colleague that I can never make the rider understand me when I want to go to the underground rail station, or "MRT". He informed me that the correct words were "lot fai tai din", which means motorised train underground. I duly blurted this to the taxi guy, he understood immediately and off we went. Pleased with this new trick, I resolved to memorise it for the next day. Forgot it instantly. I had to ask the colleague again the next day. Try memorising four random syllables - it's nearly impossible. However with the aid of some strange imagery which I won't go into, that phrase is now lodged in my head, as is "lot fai fah" for the BTS Skytrain.

Just had to break off blogging for a few minutes to order pizza - weekend working has its benefits. I am also actually working I promise, but the software I'm using takes an age to do anything so there are frequent periods of waiting. I'd rather blog than watch an egg timer. There's a phrase you don't hear very often.

Now where was I? Ah yes, Bangkok. We all trooped down to the Muay Thai the other night (that's Thai boxing to you) to get some local culture, but it was closed so we had a few beers instead. I quite like boxing but don't get to see much on account of the missus hating it, so I was quite looking forward to it. Never mind, we'll organise a trip on the correct day in the new year, and photographic evidence will be posted I promise.

While we're on New Year, I travel to blighty on Friday 19th, back to Bangkok on Jan 2nd. Please invite me to any parties you know about, even if you're not actually organising them. I have a feeling that the festivities will be even more feverish than usual this year on account of the "Slow down" (dead stop, anyone?). On returning here I fly almost straight out to the rig, and there I will stay until February. Better stock up on good books. Unfortunately I'm now nearly up to date on Battlestar Galactica, unless the DVD of season 4.5 comes out soon. That TV series has kept me entertained for two months now, which means my drumming has suffered from neglect. I still drum twice a week but knowing I'll be at sea for most of next year takes away my enthusiasm. Ditto for training, although there is a gym on the rig so I won't come home a complete "Blurtah".

Still on the new year, what can be expected for ferret-times in 2009? Well, there'll be less amazing culture-clash stories as I get bored with my surroundings, more aimless wittering like this, and more moaning about being ohmsick. The job has to end eventually, but at the moment there's no end in sight. Also I'll do some more crosswords. They were popular with some but not others. All I can say is if you hate them, let me know. I enjoy putting them together, but if it turns people away from the blog I won't do it.

Enough for today, pizza has arrived and I want to be sure I get all of my share and most of everyone else's.

Be good.

Miillionaires Club

This is the hundredth post.

Sandy got richer by £789k. Details:
*****************
woooo...more cash for me.....

CONGRATULATION
You are No(5)you won
(£789,000.00 GBP)
Britain Pounds UK NATIONAL® LOTTERY
Batch No: 01/209/AD16G To claim your winnings you are expected to contact
your
agent Mr.Peterson Walter via email immediately within 24hrs
with the following details below.

1.Full name............................
2.Country..............................
3.Contact Address......................
4.Telephone Number.....................
5.Age...............................

Mr.Peterson Walter
Head Winning Claims Dept.
Email: mr.petersonwalter_04@yahoo.com.hk
Tel.: xyzxyzxyz


Signed.

Mrs. Joan Mike
(ONLINE CO-ORDINATOR)
**********************

And our chart:



Someone needs to win some Euro so we can have some yellow on there. That would be you, Odette...

It's Toasty Here.

Just had a little sunbathe and swim. I thought of you all freezing your bits off and took some pics.



View from the pool area (15th Floor)

nuff said.

Christmas

Snowfalkes and snowmen? Has he gone completely xmas bonkers?

Yes, well I was bored. All my own work of course.

If you're wondering what I'm talking about then my web fettling skills have let me down again.

Any suggestions for further "Enhancements" are wholly unwelcome.

I've set up a snow-watch here but I have a suspicion it will be a disappointment. However, never say never. Too many ever's in that sentence.

Be good, or Santa will bring you a bag of ashes.

Guess what I did?

Got a bit squiffy, and everyone else did it, so felt it was churlish to refuse....

I should apologise to my friends and family here, but sod you all I think it looks well hard.

Where am I, and when is it?

Lost in timezones and micro-napping. I'm in my apartment, at least physically. To quote an old friend who said this very often, and was, to be fair, of very limited IQ: "I think I left my brain at home".

The trip from Manchester to Bangkok, normally a 17 hour grueller, this time was via Phuket. That, for the geographically challenged, is also in Thailand but a grand total of 980 km from Bangkok. The resulting van-ride was epic.

Here's the blow-by-blow:

Finnair finally told me I could go back via Helsinki overnight, and Phuket, then drive to Bkk. This was possible because I am living and working over there and in those cases they are obliged to repatriate passengers.

I hastily contacted my employers here and they agreed to send a driver to meet me and take me from Phuket to Bangkok.

I left the house in a hurry as usual, having discovered an email ten minutes before leaving which informed me of a schedule change. This would mean my driver would arrive 7 hours late to meet me. There was no way to confirm it, and it contradicted the one I'd been given over the phone by the nice Finnair man, so I left not knowing my itinerary.

Sure enough, on arrival at Helsinki I was told the following two versions of events within two minutes:

• You're booked into a Hotel overnight. Get a bus and tell them we sent you. You fly to Phuket at 6 am, good night.
• You're on the flight to Phuket which leaves in an hour. Get your arse over to the checkin desk NOW.

I decided to wander around aimlessly. Seemed like the logical thing to do. Eventually, having found the information desk empty and wandered over to the check-in desk (also empty) I was told over the Public Address system to go the infomation desk. Strangely when I got there it was open. Twilight moment for sure.

The information people gave me more information and I made my way to the enormous Cumulus Hotel (think that's what it was called - my memory is cloudy. Crrrasssshhhhh) for the first of many short sleeps. I got to bed around 12 and was woken at 4.30 to get on the Phuket flight. Already cell-damage was setting in, and the transformation from "jet-set traveller" to "jelly-brained rambler" had begun.

The next twilight moment was when no more than two dozen or so passengers had boarded the flight to Phuket, they closed the doors and took off. I looked around during the flight and it was really quite disconcerting to see a plane with 400 seats nearly empty. Quite spooky.

More napping, but my guts play up on planes so although it was a ten-hour flight, I probably slept for three of those. I watched "Wall-e" and found it to be amusing in a sugary, formulaic hollywood style. When are they going to invent some more cliche's? Every scene contained one and they are getting a bit dog-eared.

There was a spectacular sunrise, followed eight hours later by a spectacular sunset, which I really regret not photographing. It would have meant turning on my phone mid-flight so I decided against. I did see Afghanistan (Mountainous), Pakistan (Flat) and India (Bit of both). We also flew over Russia but I was napping. There was a Russian rocket launch on the port horizon but I was on the wrong side to see it.

Landing, I quickly found my driver chap - actually two chaps - and we set off to Bangkok. It was a minivan so there was room to lie down, and they threw me a spiderman quilt. I snuggled down and tried to nap. Problem: Thai roads are too bumpy. Problem: The drivers stopped every hour to wee/eat/stretch legs/swap drivers. Problem; I'd had just enough sleep on the plane to negate the possibility of dropping off in these conditions.

Basically I just lay there bouncing around, not knowing how far it was, waiting for the sky to brighten, and Bangkok's skyline to appear on the horizon. This took twelve hours by which time I was completely scrambled.

I ate a pot-noodle (delicious) and went to bed, where I was finally able to get a semi-decent kip. This was interrupted by Lynny, who rang to see if I was ok, and my cleaner lady, who called round to inform me I had a new bathroom ceiling. I hadn't noticed. Apparently there was a plumbing dsaster on the next floor up while I was away.

The final irony: on one of their many stops, the drivers bought newspapers. They gleefully infomed me that the main airports will open shortly so I needn't have bothered with this trip anyway. A couple more days and I could have flown direct to Bangkok. What a pisser.

It's now 7.30 pm and I'm back at work tomorrow. Wish me luck getting some sleep tonight.

Be good.

That Hel-sinking Feeling

Sorry about the tabloid title folks.

I'm in a hotel room at Helsinki airport. It's 11.50 pm and I have a 4.30 morning call booked. So what am I doing here typing? I have nothing to say - no change there.

Better get some beauty sleep. Oh, shut up.

Night night.

Stuck no More

Well, shiver me timbers, Finnair have saved the day. I'm off to Bangkok tonight, via an overnight stay in Helsinki and a morning flight to Phuket, then a 6-hour drive to be in the office on Wenesday morning. Hurrah!