Chopper, Schmopper

I was supposed to be on a chopper home today, but due to the progress we're making on fixing the system, I cancelled it half an hour before the flight. Now I'm stuck on a platform and they tell me the cabin I was in is booked, and so are all the others. Hmm, looks like a few nights on the office floor then. If they put me back on Millennium I'll sulk badly. No chance of early/late working, and more importantly, no gym!

While we're on calamity, congratulations to Sandy (aka Master of Chaos), whose birthday celebrations seem to have ended up with him locked in his own porch. He's coming to my house for dinner in a few weeks, and I fully expect him to spend an entertaining hour telling us of his latest disasters. That guy could lose his keys/phone/wallet for a living.

Cartoons, there's a thought.

In other news (sorry Maureen this is dull - look away) I got weighed for the flight and I've lost 5lb. Mind you, 4lb of water probably needs putting back in after last night's grueller in the gym.

In other other news, what's happened to Odette, one of our main contributors until recently? I've messaged her on Facebook but got no answer. Somebody give her a poke please, I miss her.

***** Warning, bloke-talk ahead *********
In blokey news, I hear that Michael Schumacher will drive Masa's car while they rebuild Masa's head. That should be interesting. Never go back is the mantra, but the guy was head and shoulders above the rest. Who knows? Only the next race will tell.
***** End of bloke-talk *********

Who can believe it's the last day of July already? Soon the weather will turn bad. Oh yes, it already has. To quote No. 1 daughter Alex, "[Alex] seems to have slept for 5 months and woken up in winter. Tell me I didn't miss Christmas?!". Well put dear, very succinct. It's that damned jetstream in the wrong place again. Whichever jet is doing it needs to be grounded IMHO.

Has anyone else read Steven Erikson's Malazan books? Excellent, totally absorbing, pure escapism. Highly recommended. I'm on number 5 and I believe there are eight or nine, and he's still alive! Memories of 1973, when I read LOTR for the first of many times, went bounding into school to tell everyone about how great Tolkien was, only to be told he'd karked it the day before. Similar fates for those unfortunates who got into the lamentable Robert Jordan "Wheel of Time" books - he died without writing the 12th and last installment. My guess is he did it to avoid the impending backlash when poeple realised that no, he wasn't able to tie all his storylines together and his solution was to create more threads. Speaking ill of the dead, sorry. Anyway, read Erikson, you'll thank me.

I hear big brother is back on - more mundanity (new word). Exactly what is being celebrated there? What is the nature of the entertainment? Ask yourself these questions and look down in shame. It's lots of dull people desperately trying to be outrageous, just to stay on telly. It celebrates stupidity, it's excruciating and it sends bad messages. I hate it. There I said it.

By the way, going back to calamity, I got here having remembered to bring my phone charger because, although there's no reception, I use the phone as a music player to drown out the awful ching-chong music the locals play. Used the phone for the first day, went flat. No problem, got out the charger - pin broken. Bollocks. No music! Ah but all is not lost - I can stream 6music. Bliss.

More soon. Since I'm stuck here I might as well do some work.

Three weeks till home time. Bring it on. And if possible and where appropriate, be good.

maureen - plastered, as usual

So, Maureen, what the fuck is it? Is it, like, art?

How long did you did you say I'd be here with my hand stuck in this? Good practice if I ever want to be a vet.

OK, I've had enough of this now, get me out and let's all go for a drink....

Spam

I hate that word. Even the Monty Python aspect.

Anyway, it seems that all (or most of) you folks who signed up as followers have stopped getting email reminders. That's because there are enough of you for the emails to be considered "Bulk" and your email clients will throw them in the spam folder. That's easy enough to fix - there should be a "Not Spam" button somewhere - but highly annoying. I tried pressing the button myself, and the next few emails still went into spam, so that's a bit worrying.

Also most of you aren't even reading this because you didn't get reminders. AAAAArgh!

Une anniversaire

Sandy's birthday on Thursday, shall we get him a cake or give him the bumps?

I'm voting cake.

Now there's a phrase you don't hear very often.

Help me understand #3

And while we're on people(and hence confusion), can anyone explain why nobody gives birth to large, or even medium sized babies? Every time I hear news of a joyful new arrival, even if it's a 12-pound monster, it's always "a little girl" or "a little boy". Bizarre.

Help me understand #2

Just a thought - can anyone explain why most people (ie everyone except me) find it necessary, when explaining dental procedures they've had done, to shove their fingers in their mouths?

Is it in case we've forgotten where our teeth are?

Notificationisationism

Does anyone want notifying when there's a juicy new item on ferret times?(like this one, for instance) It saves having the extreme disappointment of checking back every ten minutes, only to find that lazy arse Russell has nothing to say yet again. If you want notifying, let me have a suitable email address and I'll add it to the list. Ten maximum so hurry while stocks last.

Also coming soon - mobile blogging. I'll be able to lob stuff to the blog from my phone, including photos. Sweet.

Send your address to russell.hindley@virgin.net. Not you, Lyn and Christine, you're already notificated.

Help me understand

..and I quote - "I believe fate plays a large part in who gets lucky and who doesn't."

This was by Formula 1 commentator Martin Brundle in his column. Normally I enjoy everything the guy says. He's witty, informed and concise. This ditty, however, has me suspecting he's a dimwit. He's talking about Felipe Masa'a accident on Saturday, when a spring from the car in front nearly brained him by bouncing up as he flew down the straight at 200mph.

If anyone can tell me what this sentence means I'd be genuinely pleased because either I'm missing something, or it's nonsense.

Thre word "Fate" has always set me off asking questions of whoever uttered it and as yet I've had no satisfactory answer, only confused mumblings. If I wasn't so charitable I'd be thinking that those who use these phrases are secretly hoping that there's a pattern to events that makes life a bit less frightening. Dare I say a guiding hand? I'd also be telling them to get a grip.

Be good, and watch what you say.

One down...

Just been checking and I've now been here over a year. I started work on July 18th 2008 apparently. Got to be worth a drink, that. Anyway, while I was trawling through emails looking for clues I came across this old collection of mangled English, from signs in Hotels cross the world. It made me chuckle and I hope there are some you haven't seen before...

In a Tokyo Hotel:
Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we
regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:
Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin
should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by
national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the
hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the
chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:
You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and
Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the
boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On the menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy
dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose;
beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop:
Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute
customers in strict rotation.

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that
people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live
together in one tent unless they are married with each other
for that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no
miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
Would you like to ride on your own ass?

In a Swiss mountain inn:
Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:
It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed
as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:
Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to
it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your
room, please control yourself.

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn.
Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles
your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

Ha Long Bay Vietnam

Well, she's gone (sob sob) but not forgotten. We had a lovely time and a great trip to Vietnam. Here's how it went:

We got to Bangkok airport early, in plenty of time to find out that our flight to Hanoi was delayed one hour. Typi - bloody - cal. Never mind, we'd still be in time for a wander around Hanoi. As it happened, by the time we got to our hotel everything was closed except a place down the road called "The Pub". I got a beer, a souvenir t-shirt and food-poisoning. The latter was a pleasant surprise which began to take effect the next day. The "Classic Street" hotel:


..was very pleasant, in a French-colonial kind of way.

One of the first things we noticed about Hanoi was the style of driving. Basically it's the opposite of Thailand, in that everyone constantly uses the horn. I found this very annoying needless to say. Other things about Hanoi are in fact very similar to Bkk, for instance their ability to carry on as normal in situations which would bring western society to a shuddering, self-important halt...


..also their belief that there's nothing wrong with making money from someone else's genius..



Anyway, next morning after breakfast (which was nice in a French stylee) we boarded the bus for our four-hour trip to Ha Long. Problem one: I started to realise that last night's chicken was probably better the night before, or the night before that. Problem two: the Vietnamese, when presented with 23 tourists, see no problem with sending a 23 seater bus, leaving no room for luggage, and in some cases nowhere to put your legs. Problem three: there was an arch-complainer on the bus, masquerading as a smooth talking Lebanese guy called Mr. Khan. More of him later.

By the way, it had been raining hard since midnight and showed no sign of letting up. Between that and Mr Khan moaning, and my worsening stomach upset, I can't say this was the high point of the holiday. By bedtime I had horrible waves of stomach cramps and a temperature. Happy holidays!

On the way to Ha Long our tour guide Mr Sun did some very charming talking about Vietnam and about Ha Long. He was a complete star and definitely made the whole weekend more enjoyable. Here's a pic of him


Sun had a terrible time with Mr khan for the whole weekend but dealt with it like a seasoned veteran. Hats off to him - I'd have probably belted the smooth-talking, whingeing shyster. Upgrade this, free that, you owe me etc etc. It went on all weekend.
Luckily only four people had booked to stay on the Junk ..

...for a second night, so we didn't have to put up with Mr Khan on the second day. That day is the one we will remember, as it was a beautiful sunny day and we went off in a smaller boat and had a lovely peaceful day swimming, kayaking and visiting caves. Our companions for the day were an American Father and Daughter, Eric and Ashley (hello you two - I told you I'd make you famous!). We'd met them at dinner the previous night and noticed that they had a similar dislike to Mr Khan and his manipulative behaviour. It turned out we all had lots in common, and got along very well for the rest of the holiday. Here they are posing with Lyn on our day out together:


More snaps from the day:

..Lyn posing with the beautiful bay in the background..

..we'll go here, here and... er... here.

..No wonder her shoulders were sore next day..


..Our boat, our Kayaks. The meal they made for us on this boat (yes it has a kitchen) was truly wonderful.

.. sunset in the truckstop, as Eric called it. There are over 400 Junks using Ha Long Bay for overnight holidays. Needless to say it's quite crowded closer to the harbour.
Anyway, that day was over in a blink, and guess who had returned for another night on the Junk? None other than Mr Khan. We considered asking Sun to put Mr Khan on another table at dinner but thought better of it, which was a mistake. He was next to Lyn, and made two major errors which blotted his copybook completely in Lyn's eyes - namely touching her at every opportunity, and lighting up a cigarette immediately after the meal (which he complained about all the way through, needless to say). After dinner we had some cocktails and talked to our new mates until I began to slur my words, then carried on talking anyway. All in all a great day.
..I'm sure I asked for a Blue Hawaiian...

Next day was all about getting back to port, getting on yet another overcrowded bus (16 in a 16-seater this time) and heading back to Hanoi. We had another night in the Classic Street Hotel, then spent a day shopping, mooching about and drinking coffee. Here are some highlights:

..by now it was raining again...

..a lot...

..an awful lot...(yes that is a coke machine in a lake)..


Our flight back to Bangkok was delayed by nearly two hours, which meant we got to bed at around 2am. Lyn had a fittiing the next day for her party frock, of which pictures to follow.

In other news, I heard today that I'm off to the platform on monday for a 5-day stretch. I don't mind, I'd only be relaxing otherwise. Grumble grumble. On the work front, things have now quietened down somewhat and I have the chance to sit back and consider how tired I am of the whole expat work thing. I can't wait to get home but it looks likely to be some time next year before that happens. Ho hum. As they say in contracting, grin and bank it...

Be good.

Nuvver sunset

This one's from the office window. We won't be in this office much longer, which is a pity because it's nice to watch the storms roll in, and if we happen to be there at 6.30-ish we get some nice sunsets. The new offices are in "Rasa Tower", a swanky building about a mile away from the old one. We'll be one floor lower, aspect unknown. No doubt I'll witter on about it when I get there.

Bit breathless

Bit breathless this week, for two reasons; Lyn is here so there are things to do and people to see, and also we keep going to my new swanky Gym and getting out of breath.

So sorry not much blogging happening.

News:

• FAT (testing) is ongoing on our system, so far so good. I want this thing out of my life!
• Bike has now done over 1000km and I'm allowed to do 60mph
• Lyn is jetlagged but should be ok by the time we get to Vietnam this weekend

That's about it I'm afraid. Just off to arrange our Visa's for our "Tour in 'Nam". More breathlessness.

Be goood.

Absolutely sloshed

Got very very wet on the way home today, it being the "season of occasional downpours in Thailand" (for the less observant, that's "SOD IT!!" for short). Luckily I followed suit with the natives as soon as it started, scurrying under the nearest bridge to wait it out, then dejectedly donning hopelessly inadequate waterproofs and setting out again when it showed no sign of abating. The natives all do creative stuff with bin liners and shopping bags but I had my pac-a-mac and leggings handy. By the time I got home my feet were as wet as Roger Federer's t-shirt.

While we're on sweating, I just got back from the gym. I did what's basically too expensive in the UK unless you're a Bank chief exec, and joined one of those big glitzy ones with four floors of stepping/cycling/cross-training/hybrid machines and awful disco music blaring out all day long. It's possible here because it's only the equivlaent of £30 a month, and it's air conditioned. So I don't have to trudge round Lumphini Park in 35 degrees and I can get away with one bottle of water per session. I managed 2km of rowing (8 min 28 sec if you're feeling competitive) followed by 30 mins on the bike. Next time I'll try running but I wanted to ease myself back in today with some low-impact stuff. My poor old bones.

While we're (still) on exercise, Lyn's been for two - count 'em - two runs this week. I swear by the time she gets here on Sunday she'll look like a speccy (and slightly less vacuous) version of Barbie. Sorry love, no offence.

Not much more to tell really. Oh, Lyn went to a "July 4th Quiz-B-Q" dressed as a cowboy. Here's evidence:



Going back to this blog's title (what, you thought it was about water? Ha), she got so drunk she left my nice hat, which she'd borrowed without consent, at the party. I'm incensed. In order to prove you've retrieved the hat, dear, you'll have to bring it to Thailand. And while you're at it you might as well bring the rest of the outfit as well - just in case we get invited to a fancy address party you understand, no other reason of course. Ahem.

Better go now. Be good

That time

I didn't get a chance to blog and now I'm back in Bangkok with nothing but good news about my trip. Unless you count having the trots, spending four nights on a titanium slab masquerading as a mattress, getting up at 5am to climb onto a "personal basket" (see video), being transported by boat to the workplace for 7am, doing a whole day of watching the other guy fix everything, then doing the whole transfer-by-boat thing to be home by 8pm, to sleep on the slab for two or three fitful hours, to do it all again...sorry but you got me started.

The good news is, fingers crossed, he (Mr Wonderware) fixed it and we can now get on with finishing the job. That starts this weekend when I work Saturday and Sunday to get ready for a test next week. No rest for the righteous.

Some photgraphic/videographic evidence of my trip:


This is me using a personal basket to get off the crew boat and onto the platform. Did this at beginning and end of every day because we stayed on Millennium, whcih is normally alongside but has been moved a mile away to give room for some new pipelines to be installed.

Mister Wonderware (Chuan - nice guy) and Peter posing.

Sunrise from Millennium deck. Good eh?
Benchamas platform, twice.